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Pardon my monkey thumbs, ferguson
Have you ever had a kitten or puppy? When they're young, they have allllll kinds of bad behavior. Correcting them when they're young is best, before the wrong things turn into habits, but you can do it with adults if you're persistent.
The same works with people. You can influence her behavior just as she is influencing yours. The difference is, you can do it openly and consciously. You can tell her "Look, these things are problems, they are poison to me and to our relationship, and we're going to start changing them starting now."
Do your best to recognize manipulative behavior. Call her out on it. Spray her with the metaphorical squirt gun. Remove the power. With my ex, I even started laughing at her when she would try to pull something like that. Make it clear that you don't take childish crap seriously. At the same time, check your own behavior and try to determine if there are things you're doing that aren't fair or are otherwise poisonous to your relationship. If you find them, mention them, address them, even apologize for them if necessary (but only apologize once, don't give her the idea that you're somehow paying penance for something).
You will get a response. It may not be the response you want, but it will be the response she is able to give. In my situation, it wasn't the response I wanted, but it was a clear enough response that I knew things would never improve.
Second, but just as importantly, is to address your autonomy. Being married doesn't make "2 into 1" or whatever Boyz-2-Men song you want to throw at it. You're still two individuals who now share goals, responsibilities, and commitment. It is **necessary** for you to choose your own friends, it is **necessary** for you to be able to spend time with those friends, and it is **necessary** that you have your privacy, including from your spouse.
You really do have to un-learn a bunch of crap after being in the military. The social structure there is fucked up. There is a reason veterans are over-represented in mental health statistics. You have to get into your head that you are important as an individual, not just as part of something else.
I'm not saying to rush out and leave or anything, but discard those feelings of debt for feeling like a better person. Time served. She got as much out of that time as you did, trust me on that.
Make sure she knows you want things to work. Talk about the online resources you've found, address those 10 slides and talk about how you fit their descriptions.
Life is too damn short and precious to spend having a shitty time.
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